It’s Election Day. It’s odd to be an expat on Election Day. You get the joy of missing all of the attack ads. You get the relief of avoiding heated conversations with your family, friends and colleagues. You get the opportunity to vote based on the issues you feel are most important to you, but you do it having experienced other cultures and their values.
You’re still invested. You still want what you feel is the best outcome for your country, but it doesn’t really have the same impact on you. Not really. Sure, the next President will certainly make decisions that have a significant influence on the rest of the world, but if he decides to tighten up immigration control or to take forward universal healthcare, I’m not the guy who will be effected.
And that is why tonight I can say this: there are some key issues that I think we’ve overlooked in this election. Respectfully, Governor and Mr President, I ask that you please take into consideration the following items:
- Make it illegal for women ACROSS THE GLOBE to wear leggings as trousers. Who will stop me having to face the horror of seeing a pair of threadbare leggings stretched over another bottom?! Who?!
- To increase productivity, recognize that there is a peak window in the working day and it IT IS NOT first thing in the morning or in the last hours of the day. 10am-3pm, people. Imagine it. We’ll be well-rested. Our minds will be sharp. I reckon it’d be as good as taking the drug in that film, Limitless, and instead of solely using 10% of our brains, we’d all be speaking 7 languages and saving the rain forests and having ninja babies…..(what?!).
- Quote Billy Madison or Wayne’s World. I need to know that he is one of us and what better test than to see if he can finish this quote…”A gun rack? A gun rack?…..” Perhaps it can be worked into a gun control speech.
- Give the UK a good talking to about their airport tax. I pay as much in airport tax as I do for a plane ticket. I swear David Cameron is trying to ensure that we never, ever leave. Do I need to start looking out for black smoke? And while we’re on taxes, Mr President – STOP TAXING AMERICANS WHO LIVE ABROAD! Okay, I’m actually serious about that….and about the leggings thing.
- Push the exportation of Cheetos, proper Sour Patch Kids, and steak sandwiches. You try and live without those things, POTUS. Sure the rest of the world is skinnier, but they are also sadder.
Tonight I’m not sitting in my home, nervous about what the outcome will be. I will sleep soundly as polling stations begin to close and totals are tallied. And tomorrow morning the deed will be done. I will wake up and America will have chosen her President…. I just pray that he watches this video and won’t let me down.