Yesterday sucked, except for a short space of time when I was doped up on multiple pain killers…but then it sucked again. That’s the simplest way I know to start.
Around midday, I had a dull ache in the left side of my lower back and it quickly began to intensify. At first I just wrote it off as ‘woman pains,’ but soon enough I knew otherwise. I’ve had kidney stones five times before and I immediately believed that baby stone #6 was on its way and that I was not in for a pleasant experience.
So, naturally I text The Native and ask him to call…now. No response. I call about 6 times. Nothing. I send more texts. No Native. I am cursing The Native and wishing a fiery hailstorm upon his head. (It just so happens that at exactly that moment he was trading out his phone and SIM card). It’s at this stage that I begin to writhe around on The Duchess’ nursery floor. The Duchess interprets my jerking movements as a game of Mommy the Climbing Frame. Her favourite climbing spot was my left side, because of course that’s how it would go down.
I call the mother-in-law to save me and, while she is driving over, call our GP to say that a lady with a stone baby is coming and I want drugs – the knock you on your butt kind – AND as soon as I get there. Since I’m breastfeeding, the GP talked through my options for pain relief while I groaned like a woman delivering a 14lb baby.
“How do you feel about a suppository? They are fast-acting.”
And I say okay, but what I really mean is that I’d let her shove a 12 inch meatball sub up my bum if I knew it was going to make me feel better.
I did not get the pain killers straightaway, but instead had to have my blood drawn, pee in a cup, have my blood pressure taken, have my stomach examined and do a little tap dance. She was actually really lovely, but left it all too long as moments after suppositories were in and the codeine was ingested, I emptied the contents of my stomach into the Patient toilet. And that, my friends, in a place that is full of sick people, is something you never want. Who knows what kind of lurgy I have now picked up.
Despite upchucking everywhere, the pain meds still took affect and by the time I got home, my limbs were nicely tingling and I was convinced that codeine and suppositories are the answer to all of life’s problems – until around 4pm when the codeine made me nauseous – that evil seductress. I have had a headache ever since. The Native keeps advising that I take more codeine for this problem. I think he may falsely believe that codeine is the answer to all of life’s problems, too.
Thankfully, I have no abdominal pain anymore, which is a relief. They’re not even sure it was the Stones of Doom, but I am only cautiously optimistic. I am going to the hospital tomorrow for more tests and hopefully the all clear. In the meantime, thank goodness for mother-in-laws who rush to your aid, take you to the doctor and then spend their day at your house while you sleep off your pain killer hangover. You are awesome, M-I-L.