The Bubonic or Some Other Terrible Illness

Yesterday sucked, except for a short space of time when I was doped up on multiple pain killers…but then it sucked again.  That’s the simplest way I know to start.

Around midday, I had a dull ache in the left side of my lower back and it quickly began to intensify.  At first I just wrote it off as ‘woman pains,’ but soon enough I knew otherwise.  I’ve had kidney stones five times before and I immediately believed that baby stone #6 was on its way and that I was not in for a pleasant experience.

So, naturally I text The Native and ask him to call…now.  No response.  I call about 6 times.  Nothing.  I send more texts.  No Native.  I am cursing The Native and wishing a fiery hailstorm upon his head.  (It just so happens that at exactly that moment he was trading out his phone and SIM card).  It’s at this stage that I begin to writhe around on The Duchess’ nursery floor. The Duchess interprets my jerking movements as a game of Mommy the Climbing Frame.  Her favourite climbing spot was my left side, because of course that’s how it would go down. 

I call the mother-in-law to save me and, while she is driving over, call our GP to say that a lady with a stone baby is coming and I want drugs – the knock you on your butt kind – AND as soon as I get there.   Since I’m breastfeeding, the GP talked through my options for pain relief while I groaned like a woman delivering a 14lb baby.

“How do you feel about a suppository?  They are fast-acting.”

And I say okay, but what I really mean is that I’d let her shove a 12 inch meatball sub up my bum if I knew it was going to make me feel better.

I did not get the pain killers straightaway, but instead had to have my blood drawn, pee in a cup, have my blood pressure taken, have my stomach examined and do a little tap dance.  She was actually really lovely, but left it all too long as moments after suppositories were in and the codeine was ingested, I emptied the contents of my stomach into the Patient toilet.  And that, my friends, in a place that is full of sick people, is something you never want.  Who knows what kind of lurgy I have now picked up.

Despite upchucking everywhere, the pain meds still took affect and by the time I got home, my limbs were nicely tingling and I was convinced that codeine and suppositories are the answer to all of life’s problems – until around 4pm when the codeine made me nauseous – that evil seductress.  I have had a headache ever since.  The Native keeps advising that I take more codeine for this problem.  I think he may falsely believe that codeine is the answer to all of life’s problems, too.

Thankfully, I have no abdominal pain anymore, which is a relief.  They’re not even sure it was the Stones of Doom, but I am only cautiously optimistic.  I am going to the hospital tomorrow for more tests and hopefully the all clear.  In the meantime, thank goodness for mother-in-laws who rush to your aid, take you to the doctor and then spend their day at your house while you sleep off your pain killer hangover.  You are awesome, M-I-L.


7 thoughts on “The Bubonic or Some Other Terrible Illness

  1. christy

    Ugh… so … if it’s not the stones.. what is wrong with you?! That is not normal foreigner! I mean.. manflu is one thing but that is not manflu sounding!

    1. Living Life as an Expat Parent Post author

      Yes, certainly not man flu. I made it to fully dilated without any drugs so think that says something about me begging for them in this situation. Still may be kidney stones or kidney infection. Have antibiotics, anyway and today feel much more normal.


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